Sarah Beddow
BILDUNGSROMAN
I decide to be the kind of girl who can talk about masturbation with boys
on the trampoline behind Melissa’s house I decide I can share that
I figured out how when I was in elementary school before I even read
VC Andrews or Anne Rice Before the line “pumping away like a piston”
finally revealed the mechanics of the universe to my hungry mind
“Wait are you admitting you masturbate” Finn exclaims with glee
No other girls to be seen just a handful of boys eyes popping
and bodies doubling over
I decide to be the kind of girl who kisses
and does not tell I decide to be the kind of a girl with a very very
dirty mouth The girl who says in class “Bill Clinton isn’t in trouble
for banging an intern he is in trouble for lying about it” and making
my history teacher exclaim “Sarah!” while all my classmates wonder
how I get away with it and how I got to be so smart anyway I decide I
am confident I decide to be the girl who is always subtly the smartest
person in the room
I do not tell anyone when I fool around with Paul after
he unspools his heart’s longing for another girl whom he failed to impress
or fool around with Finn in the backroom of the Birds Unlimited where we
recline across a pile of birdseed bags Paul does not tell Finn does not
tell I decide my attitude is key If I act blasé if I act in control
no one will see how much I want to fall in love with anyone
I decide
the boys will fall helplessly in love with me I will not have to ask My body
is request enough My natural command of any situation will draw them
to me I will be as fingertips softly brushing their arms in the hallway
I will be a guilty pleasure until I become simply a pleasure they cannot
live without I will be a warm pocket stuffed with their secrets
Their loyalty to me will have them feuding over who will win my heart
because finally they will see having only my body is not enough