Sossity Chiricuzio
ROCK OUT, STUCK IN
The pain is so loud I want to scream, break things,
knock down walls and I can’t even walk without lurching
I crank the Led Zeppelin up extra loud and rock in this chair
tap the foot on the leg that isn’t aching today and remember
the feel of mosh pit, the feel of folding into meditation pose, of
running and wrestling and dancing and loving so hard
Crank the music up louder, press hard on my forehead
Drown out the fear, shake in this chair and remember
Not to bite my own lip until it bleeds even though blood is a satisfaction
I remember, like dance is a joy I remember like walking for miles
is a freedom I remember, crank the music up louder
tap into the feeling of before pain, before the compromises
When movement was simple, when my body was newly reclaimed
strong and supple and ready to move or relax into stillness
too much stillness now, feels like stagnant, feels like thwarted, feels
like I don’t get to choose, or like choosing is preservation not exploration
I need hard edges, need to throw myself around and scream at the sky
Need the salt of hours of sex, of being on hands and knees gardening
I’m singing along like the howl of a wolf left lonely, like the leaves of a willow
weeping in a storm, like nobody is listening because I can’t leave the house
crank the music up louder, the tears pressing harder until my face cracks
wide open and sobbing along, until the shatter is outside more than in